Friday, May 30, 2008

Oh yeah, I needed the retail therapy

WARNING: This post contains way too much information about Private Parts, information which may cause people considering having children to decide that, on the whole, a nice kitten or puppy makes an excellent substitute.

I bought yarn at KnitPicks yesterday, and really I ought to be ashamed of myself. I didn’t need the yarn (although I kind of did, because I promised my prayer shawl group that I’d make more of the lacy-shawls for the ministry but I didn’t have any more lace-weight yarn NEVER MIND, I DIGRESS AND ALSO AM RATIONALIZING BIG TIME).

But I am not ashamed. In fact, I feel that given other appropriate actions given What Happened Yesterday, buying yarn was probably extremely noble of me.

I could have been drinking heavily. Or I might have been taking drugs, legal or otherwise. I might have been outside in my backyard picking a fight with the Neighbor of the Many Dogs, or kicking the cat, or actually running away from home (without the Denizens!) as I have so often threatened to do.

Instead, I bought $50 in yarn (you know, so I got free shipping?), enough for five shawls for the prayer shawl ministry (nobility!) and six pairs of socks (well, sock yarn doesn’t count, right?).

This orgy of self-indulgence was brought on by a foreskin.

Yes, you read that right – a foreskin.

My son’s foreskin. Which chose yesterday, while Daddy was gone from 5:30 a.m. to 11:00 p.m., to retract for the first time.

I’m not going to go into the Whole Uncircumcised Boy Care Thing; a pretty good article regarding the uncircumcised routine is here. Suffice to say that what happened was both completely natural and utterly freaky.

I’m not entirely sure what happened. I was reaching for a diaper and he was taking advantage of the ‘air time’ to scratch and otherwise mess with hisself, and then suddenly It Happened and he was hollering and crying and panicking because hello, Sensitive Bodily Part Never Before Seen suddenly exposed to air!

I do rather wish I had a tape of it, though. I’m pretty sure the expressions on my face would have been priceless. I went from exasperated (because he’s been high maintenance all week) to completely freaked out in less than five seconds. And then I’m trying to not look freaked out, because nothing will send a kid into a Spiral of Panic like knowing that Mommy is freaked out.

It can be an awful burden to bear, sometimes.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but the Situation declined to resolve itself the way it should have done, and getting it fixed (heh…‘fixed’…{sob}) took two phone calls to the pediatrician’s office AND a cold bath.

He was crying and fighting and carrying on and I’m trying to calm him down and show him what to do (oh, THERE’S a fun experience, let-me-tell-you) (seriously? I quit. I am not woman enough to have a son.) and suddenly things went back where they ought to be.

Just like that.

It was like a switch was thrown. The hyper-sensitivity and/or pain and/or freaky purple thing that was not what he’s used to seeing vanished. He went from screaming to calm in an instant.

“OH!” he said, doing a double-take at his wee-wee (Yes. I called it a ‘wee-wee’. Shut up.), now looking the way we are accustomed to it looking. “Oh. Dank you, mommy!”

“Is that better?” I squeaked. My heart was doing the mamba and my insides felt like a flock of hummingbirds were seeking an escape route from my stomach.

“Dat better. Dat all better!” He took a moment to examine himself, then looked up at me with a big smile. He reached up, put both arms around my neck, dragged my face down to his and said again, “Dank you, mommy!!”

And then he gave me a big kiss.

My heart snapped in two and my last nerve jitterbugged out the door and things got a little fuzzy and then yarn was purchased.

On the whole, I’m not a bit sorry that we chose to leave Captain Adventure as nature delivered him unto us. I like leaving nature alone as much as I can, it’s kind of a thing with me.

But dudes. Why couldn’t this happen when Daddy was around to deal with it?

Also, he is now completely enamored with his Boy Bits. For the rest of his bath, he kept poking at it and petting it (boys, OY!) and singing to it and every so often he would look up at me, point to it and say, “Mommy! Dat Captain Adventure’s eeeeeeee-NUS! [note that he does NOT say wee-wee.] It all better! Dank you, mommy!”

Yeah. Uh, you’re welcome. And also, yes. Yes, I would like to add two more skeins of the dark blue Merino lace weight for an additional $6, thank you…


21stCenturyMom said...

hmm.. I also left my son as he was born and sadly, I think he may never forgive me for that. So just be prepared. Our boys are in the minority which can be a problem in the locker room later in life.

I never had your experience, though. Thank goodness!

Amy Lane said...

I'm sorry, I caved to society's stifling strictures regarding the EEE-ness, and I've always felt vaguely guilty about that.

Until. This. Exact. Moment.

Thank you, Tama--I'll never feel guilty again.

RM Kahn said...

We too left our Peanut au natural and it seems to be the thing that I, Mom, get the penis questions and Dad gets the blood, stitches and broken bones. One day, when he was about 5, I checked on him in the shower and he said, "Look at my winkie.. it's so hard!" I of course had to put the curtain back in place and smother my guffaw of laughter and regain a straight face before pulling the shower curtain back and doing some explaining...

Happy to hear the yarn brought you some measure of calm.

Science PhD Mom said...

Oh what fun I have to look forward to...I left the circumsize/not circumsize decision up to DH, who having the most experience with that particular organ seemed most suited to making the decision. DS is au natural and is already highly enamored of his "boy bits", as DD says, and plays with them at every diaper change. It's a "willy" in our house...the real terms will come later, when we are reasonably certain that none of our children will use it in polite company inappropriately! *LOL*

Lydee said...

bring on the yarn!!!!!

Leoal said...

When we were at prenatal classes, they said more and more people are choosing to leave things au natural, so I don't think you would need to worry about being in the minority so much.

Plus they charged money to cut it. I didn't want to have to give money to the hospital so I didn't. So we left it as is too. I just hope I don't have to deal with the cleaning issues. Being a military spouse, I am always alone with my son, so I am probably stuck with it anyway. Boo!

One day I was sitting at the computer and he comes up to me and says, all excited "I got a big penis mama!" and I do have to stop him from playing with it at inopportune times. Like at the airport. Or in line at the grocery store.

Boys, eh?

Anonymous said...

HOWLING...oh this is priceless!! Yep, boys are a whole different experience, aren't they? My boys were "altered", so we've not had this particular joy to deal with, but just wait...."winkie hair" is coming, and aren't they just so proud of THAT! (rolling eyes) Eldest now likes to revolt his sister by wandering around shirtless so his armpit hair shows - it totally disgusts her, which he finds vastly amusing. Ahh, kids!

Yarnhog said...

Okay, once again I am DYING laughing! My husband is Jewish, so all our boys are circumcised, and may I just say, I had NO idea what retraction was until I looked it up. I thought I knew everything there was to know about boys.

Your story put me in mind of the time I was driving the kids to Nana's house on a crowded freeway in rush hour traffic (without my husband), when my then-five-year-old piped up from the back seat, "Mommy, sometimes when I think funny thoughts, my p*nis gets hard and sticks out!" Which led to a full, complete, and unexpurgated explanation of just why and how babies come into the world. (I just answered his questions. He wouldn't stop ASKING them.) By the time we got to Nana's, I felt like a bowl of Jello and my eight year old announced he felt "sick!"

Kris said...

I also left this up to DH and DS is "altered"... We have our share of erection stories as well, but my absolute favorite genitals story belongs to our neighbor.

Mom was out of town on business and Dad was getting his daughters ready for bed. The oldest, who was about 3 at the time, was doing some "self-exploration". Dad was a trooper and handled it very well. Until she shot her hand in his face and said, "smell my fingers."

I would have died. Give me a funny penis any day!