Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Once last thing and then I swear I’ll quit kvetching

Another thing I needed the printer for today was to print an emergency! picture of Boo Bug for her teacher’s end of year gift: A canvas bag featuring her student’s artwork (already done by the Boo Bug), and, a scrapbook containing pages of pictures of her students, done by their parents.

That this project was laid on us without acknowledging that some of us are “paper art making” impaired to the point of being literally thrown out of first grade art (oh yes, I really was) is some kind of horrible cruelty. I just know the rest of those kids are going to have at least passable scrapbook pages, and what does Boo Bug get?

Uh…well, I printed out a thing, and I put, uh, hearts around it? Like a border-thing? Except that it looks like I was drunk, or possibly high, when I did it because they are kind of crooked and otherwise not straight.

This was due on May 20, which leads me to believe it was probably sent home with my adorable child somewhere around, oh, probably, May 2 or so?

Oh, why don’t I know when it was sent home? Because! Someone decided that the thing to do with this big scrapbook page would be to stuff it under the back bench seat in the van.

There are times when I truly do ask myself uncomfortable questions. Things like, Is there mercury in the drinking water? or Was one of those shots they were given as infants Stupid Serum? or Why are my children so @*^&@ing ABNORMAL?

Other children – normal children – are excited about things like bringing home the Share Bag, or getting to do an art page for their teacher, or what-have-you.

Mine stuff them under the back seat of the van and pretend they’ve never heard of them when they eventually come to light during one of my sporadic Cleaning Out The Van episodes.

So this came to light right already late and right before the Memorial Day weekend. Then I was gone all weekend, and then I started looking for a @*&^@ing picture of Boo Bug.

You know, a picture-picture. That you can hold in your hand. Paper-edition, not iPod-based Boast Bag.

Not having one, I said, “That’s OK, I’ll print one.”

And then the printer wouldn’t work.


Right. So. Having printed the picture and made a cutesy title for it in cursive font and all, I guess I should go…figure out…uh.

OK. How the @*^&@ do you attach pictures to scrapbook pages?


There ought to be a law against making me do these things. Can’t I just…knit a picture of her? Into a sweater? I’m willing to bet you a burrito right here and now that I would have less trouble knitting – or even embroidering! – a picture of my child into/onto a t-shirt than I am having getting this paper to look like it wasn’t done one-handed by a drunken camel driver while he was actually on his camel, galloping across the desert. With his flask of whatever it is camel drivers get drunk on clutched in his free hand and the reins in his teeth.

And a rabid squirrel biting his left foot while a black mamba chewed on his right.

All right. I’m going to go find some tape, or glue, or something that will get paper to stick to paper. I’ve officially passed the point of caring about ‘doing it right’. I have twenty minutes before I need to turn this in to an irate professional scrapbooker who was absolutely astonished that I wasn’t all “oh, the reason I’m late is that I’m having the pages professionally gilded!”

I hate scrapbooks and all that goes with them. HATE THEM.


(They sent home weird little squares of cheerfully patterned paper. "Please feel free to use the scrapepaper {sic} to further decorate your child's page", the destructions say. Whaaaaat? How? Just, randomly glue it on the page? Or am I supposed to cut it up into bits and paste random bits on the page? EH! I don't get it!!) (NEVER MIND! I've given up! I'm done! Hand me the Elmer's, I'm finishing this bad boy the old fashioned way!!!)


Kris said...

I HATE those type of projects. I am not paper crafty. It always looks like a drunken baboon was involved... I can't wait until he no longer has these for daycare.

Angie said...

HeHeHe... you have YEARS of this to look forward to!! I'm laughing because I spent my weekend making Amelia Earhart and Paul Revere costumes for my 5th grade twins ("oh, by the way, the costumes are due on Tuesday, Mom...and we get in BIG trouble if we don't have them"). Who knew you could sew a tri-cornered hat?

At least my late-night trips to the store for posterboard, glue and glitter are almost done (the twins are my youngest). You, on the other hand, have tons of fun ahead! (keep a sense of humor... otherwise you'll kill yourself...or them!) ;-)

Siercia said...

Wow, that seems far over and above what you should have to do for the end of year gift. Never again will I begrudge the donation they ask for at gift time (so they can buy the teachers gift cards.

Science PhD Mom said...

Oh, they were just expecting you to crop a fancy border to highlight the title, and punch out cutesy squares or circles to shadow the letters...and properly frame each picture with contrasting paper, plus add "note boxes" in a coordinating paper. You know, because EVERYONE has all the tools to do that!

I say, suggest to the professional scrapbooker that next time, she provide pre-cut kits and a suggested template for the scrapbooking impaired.

At least you finished it!

Lydee said...

Totally! You have totally described my frustration with the "paper arts" (I love that term!).

Anyhoo, your daughter stuffed it behind the seat of the van because she wanted to save you from the pain it would cause you to complete the page. I know because I've done an adult.

Anonymous said...

Why not ask a friend to do it next time?

You could even offer to knit something in return...

(I think the word verification is suggesting socks... it says (hh)dpn...)

Very Herodotus said...

True confession: I am a scrapbooker. I have an entire room of my basement filled with punches, paper, stamps, markers, stickers, a Cricut machine, more paper, cutting tools, etc. I would have been the annoying mom who heat-embossed her child's name on the page with photos and ribbon embellishments, and an eyelet or two just for fun. Sorry.

Heather said...

This is going to sound... insensitive, but you don't think the teacher cares, do you? I'm a teacher and I will always have "gifts" from students that are junk. I wouldn't try too hard on this project. I doubt the teacher will even notice.

Does that make you feel better?

Ewe-niss said...

I can soooo identify with not getting the information needed for class - and if I ever did run across it, it was usually buried in some odd obscure place and was due the week before. Each child as they entered school was a little better at letting me know what papers needed reading and signed. By the 4th kid - Geez! She nags the heck out of me and Dad for everything because she doesn't want to miss out of anything. The first 2 never seemed to have had a clue.

Now-a-days, even though Dave and I have been married for 20 years, I walk into the classroom I feel like the non-custodial parent. I work outside the home, he is the stay-at-home dad. I get dates wrong, go pick up children that my husband has already picked up, miss events... saving grace is eventually they get older and the onus is on them. (At least that is what I tell myself.)

knitalot3 said...

LOL!!! Are you sure we aren't related? Our kids too? Mine always tell me about the semester long project the night before it's due. Oh, and the two dozen cookies they need from the party I'm supposed to help with tomorrow... yeah. great.

And the scrap booking thing. So not me.

Off to clean my monitor and keyboard after reading about the drunken camel driver. Very worth it. Thanks!

Yarnhog said...

I am SO WITH YOU on the scrapbook thing! Every freakin' stupid year I get stuck with the end of year teacher gift project (why can't I learn to run like the wind when people look my way, like everybody else?) and I am totally and utterly incompetent. I have to actually take the pictures of the kids and get them to write letters and do art and--one horrible year--take their handprints in tempera paint. And THEN I have to put the thing together in a way that doesn't look like complete crap. There are women in my school who are bloody scrapbook artists (one of them has a license plate that says "skrappn" for pete's sake)--why can't one of them do it? I'll tell you why: they're smart enough to bloody RUN!

tina said...

the boy is a high school senior.
Friday - after school, natch - he mentioned that there was a senior poster board or something that needs to be into school by Wednesday afternoon.
The Friday before a holiday weekend - a weekend in which Saturday is full of moving furniture from NYC to CT.
Sunday there is 1 parade to attend and rabid housecleaning for Monday - during which there are *two* parades, and people coming over (until 1amish) and Tuesday the elf has Olympics of the Minds all day - and I will get this done, when?
Thank dog I called the only other mom I know and she suggested Oh get a frame - as I have no confidence in my gluing/crafting skills, that frame at least held everything to the board - all those pictures of him, that somehow do not include any between ages 10 and 17 ...

peace & panic

Anonymous said...

What's with all these "end of year teacher gifts"?? When I was in school, our gift to the teacher was leaving for three months and moving on to be some other teacher's problem.

Another sign I'm not cut out to have kids. ::shudder:: I'll put in a good word for all of you with the Sainthood Committee