Monday, January 15, 2007

Like knowledge, a little makeup is a dangerous thing

I had a rotten night last night. First of all, we stayed up too late. Our own fault, but there it is. Did I know I had to get up early this morning? Yes, yes I did. Did I say to myself, firmly, that I was not going to stay out too late last night? Why yes, I did. Did I tell myself, sternly, that no matter how much fun Those People were being, I was leaving by 7:00, no later than 8:00, and That Was That?

Yes. I did.

Did I listen to myself?

No. No, I did not.

So as I got into bed at midnight last night and set the alarm for 4:30, I had very little sympathy for myself.

Then I had dreams all night that involved running, and trying to make clueless people understand that something dire was happening. I woke up feeling like death warmed over. And then I came downstairs, logged on and tried to pretend I know what the @*^&@ I’m doing on my first day as Job Monitor. {Cape fluttering in wind, heroic stance, look of kindly wisdom on face}

I have no idea what I’m doing. I only hope I don’t break something important here. Because people? I don’t know what I’m doing. While I appreciate the confidence being shown in me here and will attempt to be worthy of my post, I think it is foolhardy to ask me to do this.

Now, I told you that so I could tell you this.

Remember my friend who has taken up selling Mary Kay? She gave me some samples yesterday. I love the format of the samples. It’s got the whole face, the eyeshadow and blush and lipstick, the whole ‘look’, and this little paint-by-numbers thing on it, which is extremely helpful for those of us who ordinarily use eye brushes to poke ourselves in the eye, or to get at really hard to reach parts of the bathroom hardware that need a little swipe of alcohol to remove any e-coli or other potential sources of gastrointestinal distress. (Not that I’m paranoid or anything – but I do go through an awful lot of alcohol and Mr. Clean and other things branded ‘antibacterial’.) (If they put “prevents gastrointestinal distress” on a bottle of cleaning solution, I would buy it and soak my entire house in it, I swear I would – but I digress.)

I herewith submit to you that a little makeup, even as small an amount as is provided in a single-use Mary Kay sample, is a dangerous thing. Let the following cautionary tale be a warning to facial slackers the world over:

Feeling more hag-like than usual this morning, I decided this was the perfect time to put on the samples. I don’t know about anybody else out there, but when I feel BLECH I can often snap myself out of it by dressing myself up a little bit. I guess the psychology is something like, “I can’t feel bad when I look this good”.

So I put on my white angora sweater (oh, the peril! All the Denizens are home today!!), and my new bracelet (which I may wear every day of my life until I die AND THEN I will be buried in it, because I love it that much), and then I daubed myself with one of the Mary Kay samples. It took me about ten minutes to finish poking myself in the eye and putting lipstick up my nose.

I stepped back to survey the damage.

I looked hot.

Partially, anyway. My hair left a lot to be desired.

So I said, “OK, but now you have to do something about that hair.”

I plugged in my curling iron for the first time in about two years and curled my too-long bangs and attempted to bring order to the chaos that is my omnipresent frizzy ponytail ($800 in curling aids and hair sprays and $DEITY only knows what, and what do I always-always-always wear? A ragged ponytail, held by dollar store scrunchies).

Twenty minutes of futzing later, I looked at myself and said, “OK, but now you need earrings.”

So I put on earrings. Add another ten minutes to the getting ready process, because selecting a pair of earrings is a weighty matter, and not something to be rushed into the way you might choose a husband or career.

Then I looked at myself and decided that I need the following:

Eyebrows waxed
Facial sandblasting (or whatever it is you do to get rid of sun damage)
Tummy tuck
Butt lift
Haircut and color
Pants that actually fit

And furthermore, I need all of the above immediately. Today would be good.

I also decided that I am way too hot to be working for a living. Seriously. I ought to be sipping coffee with a vaguely disdainful expression in an outdoor cafĂ© somewhere while the nanny looks after the Denizens. I envision a half-eaten croissant on a plate in front of me, and a constant stream of other made-up women coming and going, laden with tiny shopping bags full of very expensive things, crying, “Darling! How are you?” and doing the ‘mwah-mwah’ air-kiss to the air just above each cheek.

You see how dangerous this stuff is? A little blush and eyeshadow, and suddenly I’m having delusions of grandeur.

And I’d never be able to pull it off.

First of all, there is no way I could leave a croissant half-eaten. Also, I can’t afford a nanny. And besides that, my ‘disdainful’ look actually looks more like ‘been sucking on pickled onions’, and causes random strangers to stop and ask, “Oh, honey, are you OK?!”

But the lipstick isn’t making my lips peel off my face, and I didn’t put my barrier stuff on under the eyeshadow and I don’t have the slightest itch yet…so far, so good.

Now if I can just remember for three seconds that I’m wearing the stuff, and not rub at my face moaning, “Why? WHY DON’T YOU SEE THE LINKED SERVER?!?!”, thus creating a look that would be more appropriate for Crystal the Clown than a Lady Who Lunches, I'd be golden!


Cargo & Lene said...


There is really a makeup for us enviromentally challenhed out there? Something that does not make faces puff up, lips peel off and eyes tear?
Fantastic :-)

Just a fantastic as the belly-ache I got from laughing so hard at todays post I brought tears to my eyes.

Momof3 said...

You are hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. I work in a cancer hospital and laughs are a precious commodity.

NeedleTart said...

Thanks for the laugh. I guess I should be thankful I am allergic to *all* make-up. Look at all the time I save.

Very Herodotus said...

My New Year's resolution last year was to wear makeup every day to work. It really does help me feel better! Now I need to get rid of the sneakers!