Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Loopholes and other excitement

For the first time in I can’t even guess how long, I have the Den to myself today.

Let us pause for a moment to enjoy the quiet. The lack of anybody talking. The lack of other people coughing, the sound of video games or cartoon or little piping voices screeching, “No! I’m the fairy princess unicorn fairy, you’re the fairy princess turnip fairy!!” No husband suddenly erupting with, “You know what ELSE is stupid? Blah blah code yadda server and HOW COME THEY DON’T JUST blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH”.

No friends, no family, nobody expected, and if the doorbell rings? I ain’t answering it, ‘cause I ain’t expectin’ nobody.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah. The freedom to use bad grammar without worrying that your kids are going to repeat it is a beautiful thing.

I love the sound of double negatives in the morning.

You know what else is wonderful? Being able to say to yourself, “I think I’m going to take myself out to lunch today while I’m running errands”, and not having it be a two hour ordeal involving five or six or ten other people’s schedules and dietary concerns.

Just me and Taco Bell, baby. Might even spring for the steak burrito, that’s how frisky I am today, people. Besides. I have a $10 gift card to Taco Bell burning a hole in my pocket. Might even get some of those cinnamon thingees while I’m at it, that’s how wealthy I’m feeling right now.

But that’s not what has me the most excited. I realized that there is a Grand and Glorious loophole in my Knit From Your Stash rules.

Are you ready? It involves the definition of ‘gifts of yarn’.

You see. There are many forms of yarn gift.

There is the ‘open the box, there’s the yarn’ kind of yarn gift.

And then there’s the gift certificate to a yarn store. Which is obviously a gift of yarn, because c’mon. I have all the books, needles and notions a reasonable person could ever need in a single lifetime.

A yarn store is of course defined as a store which sells yarn, right?

In which case, it naturally follows that if one were to receive a gift card to WalMart? Well. It’s obviously a gift of yarn, which is allowable under Rule #3.

HA! I run rings around me logically!!!

Actually, the yarn I’m going to get at WalMart with my gift cards would also have been allowable under 2b, If someone asks for a specific knitted gift that we really and truly do not have the yarn for, we may buy yarn to knit that gift. One of “my” knitting charities is currently requesting scarves and hats, lots and lots and lots of scarves and hats, in dark colored machine wash/dry yarn, for homeless people and teens who are literally freezing to death out there.

I have nothing in my stash that is dark and machine wash / dry. I have light things that are machine wash and dry (currently being made into baby things), and I have dark things that are hand wash only – they would felt like the dickens if you tossed them into a machine. But dark AND machine wash? Nothing. Not even a sorry remnant ball.

So I’m going to be trading my WalMart gift card for as many skeins of the warmest, softest machine-wash yarn in dark colors I can (in)decently abscond with and the needles are going to be flying. I can’t imagine how those poor people are surviving, considering how cold I feel sitting in my house, with the central heating going AND a space heater under my wee little shivering feet while perpetually clutching a mug of hot tea in California for Pete’s sake! (although the cold out here belies the California-sun theory – we got down to the low teens out here last night – pipes burst all over town – people who moved here from Minnesota standing on the curb screaming, It isn’t supposed to do that HERE! We were LIED TO! We want our MONEY BACK!!! – it’s ugly, people, ugly).

In other news…I’m finishing a wee little preemie sweater right now. As always, I’m somewhat appalled by how small it is. I always look at these and think, “No. That’s too small. Dang it, might as well give that one to the children to play with…”

And then I remember that preemies can be as small as 3 pounds. Three pounds. We have dolls bigger than that in this house. Small wonder that they’re always so welcome – I defy you to find something in this size at any of the usual places for baby clothing!

OK. So. I’m going to Taco Bell now. And WalMart, and Bed Bath and Beyond, and the bank, plus also to Supercuts for a bang trim. Why am I doing about triple the errands today? Well, first of all, it gets me out of doing the ironing (again), which is never a bad thing. Also, I am such a big old coward that I put it off…and put it off…aaaaaand put it allllll off…until I had a day like today, when Count(Denizens) = 0.

Because when I take them with me? The begging and whining and ‘can’t I just have’ stuff makes me want to lie down on the floor and cry. And in WalMart, this is not a good idea because WalMart customers will simply run right over the top of you to get to the ‘good’ stuff.

Having to go to several stores I’m not all that fond of all in one day is a just punishment for my lack of spine.

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