Friday, June 20, 2008

Dear Levitra Ad Managers,

I would like to thank you for the opportunity I had last night, when your ad ran right in the middle of my 5:00 news, to explain to my middle two girls (aged 8 and 6) the following topics:

High Cholesterol

Doesn’t mammo [my grandmother] have that? Does grandma? Grampa has that, doesn’t he? What IS that?

E.D.

What IS E.D., anyway? What does it mean? Why are you turning red like that? How come? Oooooooh, his PENIS is…broken?…wait…how does a penis get broken?

Erections

What’s an erection? What’s it for? Well, how long is it SUPPOSED to last? Because four hours isn’t very long, or it isn’t when you’re playing but I suppose if you have an erection and you’re in school….Mommy? Why are you laughing so hard? Oh! Are you going to make one of those drinks now with the red juice and the orange juice and the clear stuff that smells like a doctor’s office? Can I have one without the clear stuff? And can I have a cherry in it? And what IS an erection, anyway?

Sexual Activity

Mommy, are YOU healthy enough for sexual activity? Because your back sure does hurt a lot…wow! You can spit REALLY FAR! There’s red juice all the way over here…I'll get the towel! Do I get points for cleaning this up?!

Oh yeah. It was loads of fun and a great opportunity for me to prove how Progressive! and also Hip! I am, as a mother. Pushing the boundaries of my comfort-zone, while simultaneously giving my kids excellent topics for their next Sunday School session. “Hey, guess what? Sometimes if you have too much fat, you might get a medicine and have erections!”

You know it will happen, and thank goodness for it. Nothing says “progressive society” like a six year old discussing priapism in her Sunday School.

I’d like to thank you in person for giving me this growth opportunity. If you would kindly leave your names, phone numbers, physical addresses and times when you would be alone someplace with no witnesses distractions, I surely would appreciate it.

Sincerely,
The Night-Stalking Slasher Mother Chaos

9 comments:

Celestial said...

I'm laughing my butt off and thinking "oh you poor thing!" at the same time.

Have to show this to the hubby...

Lydee said...

hilarious!

candi said...

I'm so glad my children are grown. But the advertisements embarrass the heck out of my husband!

no-blog-rachel said...

ohmygod that was hilarious!! Too freakin' funny.

Michelle F said...

Been There - Done That - Although now the 12 year old continually says "Akward!"

Yarnhog said...

Even my husband laughed out loud! He HATES drug commercials--and tells me so every time one plays. My personal least favorite is the one where a stream of simulated urine sprays over a pregnancy test. It invariably airs during the dinner hour.

Steph B said...

Oh lordy, that's great! Don't know about you, but in our house those questions almost invariably arise at a time when I am the only parent available to answer. It doesn't happen quite as often now, thank goodness, but there are still some interesting conversations. Love the mental picture of you spitting across the room!!

momdlux said...

Laugh out loud funny!!! I love so many of your posts. Ahhh, my boys are all grown too, but those commercials and ones like them must be created by people who do not have children!

Science PhD Mom said...

Ooo, ooo, ooo!!! I hate that too! Why in the heck do they think that these ads are appropriate before bedtime hours?? So true what you wrote...I want to hear what the Sunday School teacher says. :)