OK, first of all: Is everybody sitting down? You’re not, like, standing on a bus reading this on your Android-whozit-thingee?
I’ll give you a second to get settled in a safe position.
I bought bread last week. At Target. I KNOW! The apocalypse (which I just spelled in a CRAZY weird way, what the HECK was THAT?!) (seriously, like, I went with apocolapse…and I have no idea why because yeah, I know it isn’t spelled that way…), it may be here…
That’s the first time in…wow. You know? I really don’t know how long it has been since I last bought bread in a store like that. I’ve bought Boudin sourdough (because of course I have), and I’ve bought the occasional box or bag of bagels or croissants, but when it comes to “sandwich and toast” bread…I think I might not be exaggerating when I say it has been years.
My homemade bread spoils me; it costs me a hair over a dollar to make two one-pound loaves, you know? And since I’m a compulsive spreadsheet addict, I know this. Furthermore, a loaf of bread will vanish in less than one meal around here; so, I’m not looking at one loaf of bread, I’m looking at two or even three.
And we’ll still be out of it in what seems like mere moments.
BUT. I was tired and still not feeling too great and had too much to do, so I bought this bread at Target. Plain old bread-bread. Normal bread, like everybody has.
Fast forward to later that day, when Danger Mouse comes tripping in and says, “Can I make a sandwich?”
We said, sure, knock yourself out, kid.
She climbs up to get the bread, dumps it out of the bag, regards the jumbled up slices with great surprise and then chirps out, “Oh, WOW! It’s already sliced! That’s cooooooooool!!”
This just in: Sliced bread? Is coooooooooool.
It was such an unusual cold
3 months ago
Clearly "apocolapse" was your subconscious notifying you that this was a rare lapse from the 'bake all your bread yourself' plan and not to be taken as precedent.
And I'm reminded that I got a certain amount of admiration in college for my bread-slicing skills- the cafeteria let us cut our own bread, and most of my fellow students made like a bread slasher movie, sawing away until they reduced the loaf to jagged chunks and crumbs. Whereas I, having long practice on my mom's homemade loaves, could have starred in a Ginsu bread commercial, neatly sectioning the bread into even uniform slices with a minimum of crumby carnage.
Someday, your daughter will thank you for her mad bread-slicing skilz. :)
I've been making my own bread for years and I massacre it every, single time. I could use lessons in slicing. Whoever first said "the best thing since sliced bread" had a mother who cut bread the way I do.
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