Sometimes I wonder what would actually happen if I were to throw in the towel. You know, just say, “Hey, know what? This whole wife-n-mom thing? It’s been real. But I quit now. So, have a good life and all, eh? Toodle-pip!” and then I jumped into the nearest bus and went wherever it was going and started a new life. As Bambi the Super Waitress.
We had Captain Adventure’s home visit today. The ladies were sweet and they played with Captain Adventure and observed his reactions to them (he was pissy, I think he’s got a cold or something) (he napped today, people – definitely some kind of sick going on there). And then they started saying, “So, we’ll need to do the actual testing later, and we’ll arrange to do this, and that, and this, and that, and this other thing, and then you know that we actually have a LARGE NETWORK OF PROGRAMS, so in addition to the preschool there are blah blah blah…”
It was about this point that I suffered a bout of vertigo and had to sit down.
Don’t get me wrong: I am on my knees grateful not only that these programs exist, but that these people are so anxious to make sure that Captain Adventure is put into the correct one(s) ASAP.
I am thankful to them for their eagerness, their kindness, their exuberance.
Also, I think I need to go throw up.
My Daily OM horoscope today said, Because you are likely tired after shouldering a great many duties, you may find it difficult to accomplish much at home or at work. To refresh yourself so that you can continue achieving your goals, you will no doubt need to take a critical look at the schedule you have adopted. Even if you find scant opportunities to pare down your agenda today, you may still be able to prevent similar fatigue in the future by making a commitment to yourself to take on only what you can and no more.
To which I reply, “@*^&@ you. @*^&@ you all.” Because I am mature and enlightened and some junk like that.
See, the thing is, I’m looking over my agenda (which is a damned fancy word for what I do all day) and I’m not seeing a whole lot of trim-able items in there.
“Right, let’s see, I’ve got to cut something out…OK, Madame Kindergartener, from here on out you take yourself to and from school and take ownership of your own snack and homework.”
See? It doesn’t really fly.
And when these lovely ladies started telling me about the preschool program (3 hours a day, five days a week) and then of course there will likely be more half hour one-on-one sessions (three to five times a week instead of once) AND they have ‘other programs’ he may be qualified for, well.
You can see why I might become a tad agitated, yes? Especially when all FIVE of my children (including the 6'3" one) are suddenly demanding all kinds of extracurricular activities that are going to be slicing huge chunks of time from every conceivable moment I might otherwise have to sit down and fan myself while sucking down gallons of vodka and cranberry juice - all of which activities I am required to actively manage and/or enable.
OK, all ranting aside, I am actually considering my options. Perhaps an after school program for the older two (that would run me $260 a month), and/or an after-kindergarten program for Boo Bug (ouch – about $500 a month) (ouch) (seriously, my wallet is killing me, people). Or a maid service to lift the burdens of housework from my shoulders ($400 – 500 a month) (OW!!), although what I really need is an old-fashioned maid of all work ($Priceless). Somebody who comes in every single day and cleans up everything. A maid service will clean, but you have to do the picking up part. You’ve got to get the dishes off the counter, or they can’t clean it. And if there are more than a couple toys on the floor, well, they’ll leave you a note saying, “Couldn’t clean floors – please tidy first next time!”
True story, I had a neighbor who was fired by her maid service. She never picked up so much as a sock off the floor, and had two extraordinarily messy children. For weeks we heard the sad tale of how the maids just didn’t do the job right, and then suddenly she informed us that they had called and said they were very sorry, but they just couldn’t come clean for her anymore.
Great. Something else to add to my ever-growing list of Things I Fear: Being Fired by the Maid Service.
Something is going to have to go.
Maybe it should be me. Maybe if I just left, everything would be simpler. They’d all just figure out their own little lives, and be happier and more self-sufficient for it! Yes! I think I’ve hit on something here!! For the good of my family, I need to run away from home!!
…how much is a bus ticket to Anywhere these days…?
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