Captain Adventure has a…friend.
This friend’s name is Buydoobah.
Buydoobah…is a right stinker.
Who tore up the coloring book and flung the shreds all over the hall? Buydoobah.
Who splashed sixty gallons of water all over the bathroom floor? Buydoobah.
Who took the cap off a brand new tube of toothpaste and smeared the stuff all over the counters, walls, floor and yes, ceiling of the bathroom (no, I have no idea how it got all the way up there)? You guessed it: Buydoobah.
So far, I’m about 0 and 20 with Buydoobah. That little @*^&@ has been wrecking my house for weeks, and as Dog is my witness, I’m two seconds from wringing his invisible little neck.
This evening while I was trying to catch up on email, I heard rustling in my bathroom. Hmm. Triple Doppler Mommy Radar indicates heavy chances of Captain Adventure getting into something like band-aids…
“Whatcha doin’ in there?” I hollered.
“No!” Captain Adventure yelled back. Uh-oh. I got up and stalked to the bathroom door. Eh. Not band-aids – cough drops. Several of which were no longer individually wrapped, argh.
“Captain Adventure! Come out of there, right now!” I bellowed.
“NO! What Buydoobah say? He say, ‘Doan talk Captain Adventure right now!’”
“Buydoobah say doan talk me right now, ‘bout dat.”
“Oh, I don’t think so. Buydoobah is not the boss of me, little man! You two get out of my bathroom right now.”
He came out in a high state of indignity, holding his hand cupped. Buydoobah is often very, very small – palm-sized, actually.
“Buydoobah,” he announced solemnly, holding up his hand so I could check out the invisible scowl Buydoobah was wearing. “Is not happy at you, Mommy. Him say ‘doan talk Captain Adventure ‘bout dat right now.’”
“Oh yeah? Well, now hear this, Buydoobah: You’d better drop the ‘tude, mister, or you are goin’ bye-bye.”
There was a long pause while Captain Adventure processed this announcement.
On the one hand, Buydoobah is above the law. What does Buydoobah care for Mommy’s rules? Pffft. If Buydoobah cared about such trivial things as Mommy’s wishes, there would be no toothpaste on the ceiling right now that Mommy can’t get off because she is not a tall woman, people.
On the other hand, Mommy has proven time and time again to have mythical powers. She can kiss a boo-boo and make it better. She knows when you’re tired, even though you think you’re not. She commands and Sisters obey, even though they are unruly creatures who seldom obey either their brother or Buydoobah.
Shoot, even Daddy wilts before the awesome power that is Mommy.
She is the Goddess incarnate. The Woman. Dark and Light, equally portioned. Maker of snacks, and time-outs. The Wound Healer. The Sayer Of It’s Bedtime Mister.
She giveth…she taketh away…
“Wellllllllll…wat…wat Buydoobah say? Him say…him sayyyyyyyyy…”
Have you ever feared you’re going to actually, physically pop from holding in laughter? The expression on his face was so priceless as he stared into his cupped hand, trying to decide which was the greater force: Mommy, or Buydoobah.
“Buydoobah sayyyyyyy…OK, Mommy. You talk Captain Adventure ‘bout stay outta that bath-oom.”
“Good choice, Buydoobah. Good choice.”
…I think I smell a come-from-behind victory coming on…
C. E. Montague
14 hours ago