Thursday, May 07, 2009

It’s better than REAL logic – it’s TAMA Logic!

I want to preface this by saying I do not have a problem.

I can stop any time I want.

That made perfectly clear, I took our recycling to the redemption center yesterday. The glass bin was nearly empty, the plastics were about half-full, but the aluminum can bin was not merely full, but overflowing.

This is not one of those cute little color-coordinated bin sets designed for apartment dwellers. These are sturdy 23-gallon garbage cans.

And the cans were, each and every one, crushed.

That’s a lot of cans, people.

I got $0.60 for the plastic, and $1.25 for the glass…and $12.85 for the aluminum.

As he was pouring the cans from our tote to theirs, the dude doing the weighing chuckled and said, “Looks like somebody’s got a six-pack-a-day Diet Pepsi habit at your place, huh?”

Whaaaaaa? Why…harrumph! How dare you…what, sir, are you insinuating here, I mean…really! {sputter!}

Now, I would love to say that, you know, hey, we’re a family of six, right? A six person family could theoretically go through an awful lot of soda. And don’t forget the visitors! Because we have lots and lots of those. Other kids, friends, family – it’s like we have a revolving door into the Den that is never locked.

Yeah, well. Problem being, two of the Denizens drink no soda whatsoever, and the other two are only allowed to have it occasionally (where “occasionally” equals “whenever grandma brings them some 7Up, because they have a mean, mean mother who doesn’t share her soda) (well, it’s MINE, MINE I TELL YOU!), and furthermore the husband is an iced tea drinker which means that at least 85% of the overflowing aluminum bin was the result of, well, someone else in the family drinking a fair amount of Diet Pepsi.

My first It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE was that I don’t take the recycling in that often. In other words, although it may be extremely full, it might have taken six months to get that way. (It didn’t. It was about six weeks.)

THEN I decided It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE my mother had come over and I’d offered her a Diet Pepsi. (One.) (Statistical Fact: It takes way more than one crushed can to fill up a 23-gallon garbage can.)

OK, so, can’t hang it on guests and/or parties. But, It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE there are a fair number of Coke cans in there, courtesy of The Viking having visited a few times last month.

Which leads me to It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE, compared to The Viking, I am a rank amateur when it comes to soda consumption. That dude could easily go through a 24-pack every day. So if I go through, you know, two or even three in a day, that’s nothing.

Comparatively speaking, I drink less than a hummingbird. (And if you compare my soda consumption to, say, the water consumption of an African elephant? Pffft! Neglible!) (See, this is why I feel that comparing myself to anybody else is both pointless and fraught with peril and that that way lies madness…but I digress…)

Last night, I took the kitchen recycling out. As I stomped four Diet Pepsi cans flat, I had to pause to consider that I had actually emptied the kitchen recycling earlier that morning in honor of the trip to the redemption center.

Ahem. Welllllllllll…as they clattered into the bottom of the bin and winked up at me, I decided It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE one of those was from yesterday. So it doesn’t count. That’s only three. It’s not like I have a problem or something.

A tiny voice in my head cleared its throat and said, accusingly, “Dude…

Argh. I hate that voice. It’s the same one that starts commenting on the relationship between my expanding thighs and the box of Nerds I just swiped out of the kid’s reward box. It brings up salad when I’m thinking pie and points out that if I would just remember to do my thrice-daily stretching exercises, my back probably wouldn’t feel like a herd of bison had trampled it.

At this provocation, I revved up the excuse-engine and fulfilled the full promise of Tama Logic.

It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE in the last year (I said to myself), I have given up things that were approximately sixteen THOUSAND times worse than a measly two or three (with occasional bursts to four) (OK, possibly, if you count days where I grab a soda while out and about, the equivalent of six) cans of Diet Pepsi a day.

I have given up potent pain medications and switched to the more holistic suck it up method of pain relief (it, uh, doesn’t work as well if you want to be picky about not hurting, but has far fewer side effects…while I love not hurting, I loathe and despise feeling ‘woozy’ – people with control issues and ‘woozy’ do not tend to mix well, and folks? I have me the control issues. I’LL drive, thank you very much…). I have stopped taking narcotic sleep aids. I’ve cut back my coffee consumption drastically, from a somewhat insane average of six (or so) (give or take) (mostly give) cups a day to no more than two. (Gee, I wonder why I needed sleeping pills…) I’ve beefed up my fiber and cut back my processed sugars and starches. I’ve started making myself fill up, drink and refill my 24-ounce water bottle three times a day. I meditate twice a day, whether I have time or not. I take time to do cleansing breathing exercises throughout the day. I take three times the vegetables and half the meat at dinner time.

I have also firmly resisted the awesome bargain that is buying the See’s Candy coupons at Costco for months now, thus eliminating two(ish) pounds worth of candy going onto my thighs each month.

See? I’m a nutritional saint.

And I totally do not have a Diet Pepsi problem. That I cracked my first can at 8:15 this morning means nothing. What?! Why are you giving me that look?! Hey! It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE my stomach was a little testy, and everybody knows that the original use of Pepsi was for tummy troubles, right?!

So! It’s It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE it is medicinal!

Furthermore, It’s Not As Bad As It Looks BECAUSE it is hot in here! It was 78 degrees in here at 8:15 this morning! Seventy-eight degrees in my office right now! It’s hot! A refreshing Pepsi is just the thing for such innervating climates!

Pepsi cola hits the spot / Twelve full ounces, that’s a lot / Twice About as much for a nickel quarter, too / Pepsi-Cola is the drink for you!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to Costco for some more Diet Pepsi healthy, cost-effective whole-grain staples and milk.


Steph B said...


For me it's coffee and Dr. Pepper. I've been avoiding the pop because it's too expensive and goes too fast, but the coffee? Take that away and you might as well measure me for a pine box right now. Not to mention that the person who actually *takes* my coffee away might need one too! I think you're just fine. Enjoy your Pepsi and go dye some more of that gorgeous yarn, okay?

PBear said...

8:15?? Rank amateur... :-) I have my first Diet Coke of the day at 7 with breakfast... probably do a six pack of the half liter bottles on a weekday, maybe more on the weekends. I don't drink coffee or tea, and I do my 3 bottles of water.

It's better than smoking or drugs, right? :-)

LOVE my yarn! Now I have two kids fighting over who gets the next pair of (orange) socks.

Galad said...

Tama logic makes sense to me, which is why my recycle bin looks like yours :-)

Stephanie said...

My bugaboo is Diet Coke. I go through periods where I don't buy any to keep at home... but then I start stopping by 7-11 for a Super Big Gulp every other day. And on the non-Big Gulp days? I eat lunch at places with free refills. Because *that's* healthy. (Although? Boston Market isn't that bad and also In-n-Out has the Fast Food Nation stamp o' approval.)

whiterose said...

When I first saw the "suitcase" (24 pack) of Coke, I was all, who are they kidding?? Nobody NEEDS 24 cans of Coke...

But it's cheaper per can, and let's face it. If I can drink a 12 pack in coff-five-coff days, then I can probably deal with a 24 pack.

I also can stop any time I want to...except for the headaches. And the voices. I'd really miss the voices.

Christi said...

We go through a case a week here, minimum. I drink 1 a day (at lunch), DH drinks the rest, plus whatever he has at lunch or from vending machines at work. And that's probably a decent amount, since he usually has two refills when we go out to eat. I believe before we were married, he was taking 2-liters of soda to work, one a day. At least I've got him to buy it by the case and skip the vending machine most of the time.

(And people were surprised when he switched to diet soda and dropped 20 pounds like *that*.) The thing that irritates me irrationally, and I'll admit it's irrational, is that he can drink a can of soda in two or three drinks, and I wonder if he even tastes it at all.

I was pushing the iced tea last year, but with the new medicine he's taking, he can't manage more than half a glass of tea. Bizarre side effect - he's also off the reheated tamales, and just smelling the Banquet chicken fingers makes him turn slightly green.

Now, back in my college days, I was drinking Surge for breakfast every morning. Mostly because the other options were coffee (yech), OJ (heartburn) and milk (hello, lactose intolerant here!). Woke you up in a hurry, though, with all it's radioactive-green sugary goodness. I'm not even sure if they make it anymore, and I doubt I could handle it at 7:30 a.m. these days.

Anonymous said...

Geez! Aren't you people worried about the amount of chemicals and caffeine you are putting into your bodies drinking that much diet soda? Try bubbly water mixed with a sparse amount of pure fruit juice.