Tuesday, May 26, 2009

…and then I got swine flu and died and we all lived happily ever after the end…

As expected, I’ve now got that ‘I need a vacation to get over my vacation’ feeling. I went to Disneyland with one of my best friends and her daughter Queen Teen, in celebration of said Queen Teen’s birthday. Huzzah!!

It was Queen Teen’s first visit to the park, and it went brilliantly…Disney has done a pretty darned good job making the park accessible for beautiful princesses in bright purple wheelchairs.

And then we came home, and I (re)got swine flu a damned stupid boring old cold (but maybe bronchitis! which would at least be slightly more interesting than a damned stupid boring old cold!), and then I died except not really but I half wished I did because ugh, colds suck that way.

That something can make you feel so utterly wretched and yet not have the decency to be even a tiny bit life threatening is kind of annoying, you know? Not that I’d actually want to die of a cold or anything mind you (I’m kind of against dying – it would be such a waste of time and besides, my bedroom is a terrible mess and it would be sooooo embarrassing if anybody saw it like this), it’s just that if I’m going to feel that miserable and sore and achy and cough so hard I’m afraid my spine is going to snap in half, well, I’d like to at least have the…vindication? satisfaction? I have no idea what the word I’m looking for is, here…{word I can’t think of} of being taken seriously by a doctor or something.

Instead of what I always get, which is a casual, “Oh, ya, you’ve got a pretty nasty cold there, doancha…OK, so, go home, take some Sudafed and drink lots of fluids.”

Whaaaaaaat? No magic pill? No antibiotics to make with the All Better In Less Than Two Days? No dire warnings of impending doom? No Get Out Of Housework Free card?!

Oh. And. Turns out that when they say “fluids,” they do not mean “rum.” Feh. Not only do I not get a Magic Pill, I don’t even get to dissolve my Sudafed in a Mai Tai – you know, for ease of swallowing. Hard to swallow those big old pills when you have a sore throat…

Of course, if they do take my spine-crackin’ hackin’ seriously, they will send me for an X-ray, which will cost me about $780 and show that gracious!, I have two (2) lungs in there! Two (2) working lungs, with absolutely not so much as a spot on them! They might even compliment me on my sexy, youthful lungs!

…right before they tell me that sure enough, it’s just a cold and I should go home, take Sudafed and drink non-rum fluids until it decides to pack up and leave…stopping to see the cashier on my way out to settle up, of course…

Oh there you are, Insult! I’d like you to meet a good friend of mine: Insult, this is Injury, Injury? Insult.

Doesn’t even have the decency to be swine flu. Ooooooh no, no interesting side to this thing at all. Just a miserable rotten no good lousy plain-vanilla cold…possibly with the slight twist of bronchitis, which is like putting parsley in your homestyle chicken soup. No cilantro or curry paste for you, oooooooh no…just plain old flat leaf parsley…

You know what else I want to know? (No, Tama, what else do you want to know, we’re all riveted by your Sudafed-driven rants today…) I want to know, how come we don’t have some easy to use technology by which we could wash our lungs?

No, seriously! We have the Neti-Pot thing for our sinuses, right? Well, some of us do, anyway…although I have yet to use one successfully. My sinuses are usually so thoroughly blocked that the water can’t get through, so I just stand there like an idiot with the pot rammed up my nostril and no water flowing at all.

My doctor laughed so hard at me upon witnessing this Epic Fail (because he didn’t believe me when I said the water couldn’t get through, so I showed him how it couldn’t get through) (I’m sure he’s sooooooo glad he went through all those years of college and medical school, so he could watch the Crazy Lady shove a Neti-Pot spigot up her nostril and attempt to pour warm water through her sinuses while simultaneously giving a blow-by-blow description of how it wasn’t working because she is physically incapable of shutting the @*^&@ up even when talking right this very minute might cause her to drown… “Eee? Eht woan GO {sputter! gag!}…tru meh nodze…{gurgle, gak!}”), he gave me a month’s worth of free samples of my new allergy medication by way of apology.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. I have often thought during Times Like These, that it would be really nice if my lungs had come with, say, a removable lining. So I could just unzip the lining and run it through the wash, see? Wash out all the Yuck that is causing all this inflammation and brouhaha, and then I’d be Cured!

Why are you looking at me like that? It’s brilliant, I tell you! Granted there are some…erm…technical details that would need working out (like how you could soak your lungs in antibacterial soap without drowning), but right now the idea of being able to physically scrub my lungs sounds mighty good.

Oh well. I guess since I’m not dying and can’t wash my lungs, I’ll just have to…drink some more not-rum fluids and maybe take another dose of Sudafed, and just…wait…for this stupid dumb boring old cold to run its course.

Feh…

(This is Round 2 on this particular cold. I thought I was done having a cold last week but ooooooh no, it’s back…and I hates it, I HATES IT SO MUCH…)

10 comments:

Steph B said...

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, and I hope the dumb boring old cold packs up and leaves pronto.

That said, I laughed till I cried at your description of you Neti-Pot - ummm - *issues*. We have SO got to be related somehow....

Barb said...

your lung zipper pack idea reminded me of Wanda Sykes' vagina idea. a very very funny skit.

So sorry you are feeling bad. I can only use the neti pot in the shower or all the water streams down the front of my shirt. And then I'm stuck with water dribbling out of my nose, my mouth and off my shirt.

Science PhD Mom said...

Two suggestions: first, get a pressured can of saline at the local drugstore. Far easier to use than a neti pot, and it WILL go through your sinuses, I promise. Of course it will feel like some has taken a jet engine and used it to propel saline through your nasal cavities, but it WORKS.

Second, get some vitamin D supplements and take them! Too many folk are vitamin D deficient, due to overvigilant use of sunscreen (your skin makes it when exposed to the sun). It will help your immune system kick up into gear.

Feel better.

(formerly) no-blog-rachel said...

I'm so sorry you feel like crap but I pretty much cackled my way through most of your post. You tell the BEST stories - absolutely hysterical!

Nancy said...

Is the word you're looking for "validation"? As in "I'd like the validation of being taken seriously by a doctor ..."

Kathryn said...

Yes, great description of the Neti. But seriously, my next best way to clean out lungs is steam cleaning...hot shower or the old-fashioned boil your face method of sticking you head under a towel over a pot of HOT water. B-r-e-a-t-h-e in that steam, for as long as you can stand it...

Good luck. Feel better.

Lon said...

You can, actually, get your lungs washed, but it requires anesthesia, and if they don't get all the fluid back out, there's that pesky pneumonia thing...if you don't have it already. The bill from the vet for having said lung-rinsing done on the dog (who did have pneumonia) was quite unappealing. OTOH, getting all that goo out of the lungs perked her right up...

Anna said...

Immitation is the most sincere form of flattery, or you've been plagiarized!


http://exileonmomstreet.blogspot.com/2009/05/and-then-swine-flu-showed-up-and-we-all.html

natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

Tama, you're right!

We do need to start that club. The one with the name that's too long and that I can't remember on account of the Sudafed-brain thing.

Damn regenerative colds.

terena said...

Noooooooooooo! Not fair! I'm so sorry you got more sick. And no rum? Why is the rum always gone?