Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Rhetorical question du jour

Why.

WHY.

Why is it that my children cannot go five freakin’ seconds without needing something?

I wanted to take a shower. My first shower in three days. Is that so hard a thing to want? A shower? Just one? So I put on a Dora DVD for Dora’s #1 Fan (a.k.a. Captain Adventure, who has actually run up and kissed the screen when Dora came on), and set the other three down with video games and ran like mad for the shower.

About eight seconds into my shower, someone is banging on the bathroom door.

“WHAT?!” I shrieked. (In the most loving way possible, I assure you.)

“Murphle mumble barrifa butt!”

“Whaaaaat?” I can’t even tell which one it is…

“MURPHLE MUMBLE BARRIFA BUTT!”

Inside head: @*^&@!!! I mean @*^&@ and @*^@& and %%%%% and @*^&!

“WHAT?!?!”

“MOMMMMEEEEEEEEEE! Murphle MUMBLE barrifa BUTT!!”

So I turned off the water, got out of the shower, turned off the bathroom fan and said again, “What?!”

“Mommy, my game is paused.”

(So is mommy’s brain. What the hell is she babbling about? And what the double hell does she expect me to do about it right immediately now?!)

Having run my first eleven responses through the “should I actually use those precise words when speaking to one of my children” filter and come up dry, I finally managed to say, “Honey. I.
Am.
In.
The.
SHOWER!”

“Oh.” Philosophical silence from Boo Bug. “But, my game is paused.”

You know…my children are not disabled. They have no mental or physical defects that render them incapable of restarting a paused game. Shoot, this particular child has two older siblings, right next to her, who are fully capable of hitting the ‘pause’ key again and restarting the flibberity-gibbery game.

But no.

She must come all the way upstairs to report the issue to tech support.

Jeez louise.

Fortunately, children heal quickly. So I’m sure the blisters on her little ears will be gone by morning…

9 comments:

Siercia said...

I really wish I could understand this particular kid behavior. Because it drives me absolutely out of my head with insanity too. Smart, resourceful kid, COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF LEAVING ME ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS.

I don't get it.

patrice said...

But it is very important that you know the situation, because as they must know everything that you are doing, saying, thinking, so you must be as fascinated with their every dilemma ... right?
After three kids, I never close the bathroom door anymore when I'm in it because someone will be knocking on it within four seconds anyway! Not the best habit to get into, however, especially when the bigger ones bring their teenaged friends over! I wish you peace and some quality alone time this holiday season. Good luck!

Kris said...

Hmmm - even with just one child, we have the same problem...

Steph B said...

You know, I was moaning to my mom one day about how my kids won't even let me go to the bathroom alone, when I realized....I'd followed her into the bathroom and was sitting on the edge of the tub to tell her this. She just grinned at me and said "Some things never change!" Sigh.

Yarnhog said...

My mom's bathroom was my favorite place to hang out and talk to her when I was a kid, and I still follow her in (not the toilet, just the bathroom!). As the youngest of five kids, I think it was just the only way I could ever get her all to myself.

It still drives me mad when my kids do it.

MadMad said...

OMG, I'm laughing too hard to even think of a comment. Except: yep. And WHY?

terena said...

Yep, showers, peeing and the phone ringing; suddenly my daughter, who has been quietly playing by herself for 30 minutes, will jump up and hunt for me.

Science PhD Mom said...

The only solution is the Stealth Shower. You have to do it when the urchins are sleeping, or are of insufficient age such that a crib or pack-n-play provides suitable confinement. It's the only way showers occur in my house, and even then I sometimes have to forego de-Yetifying myself (aka shaving my legs). It sucks. Majorly. Commiserations and empathy all the way.

janet said...

My four children have all grown out of this stage but now I have a little dog that has taken over this role. He actually paws at the door while I go to the bathroom. Oddly enough I never scream at him.