The End is Nigh.
Let’s check the omens, shall we? Dark and sinister, here they are:
1. The downstairs of my house is clean. Vacuumed, washed, dusted. That right there is enough to forecast the end times.
2. The mail that has been accumulating all over the house has been handled. Not just thrown into a different drawer! Handled. Paid, input, protested, filed, or otherwise taken care of.
3. The children are…quiet. OK, OK, Bacon Bit is beginning to chatter up there in his crib, but the other three are quietly playing Reader Rabbit on the laptops. Quietly. No fighting. No screaming. No incessant cries of, “Mommy! She won’t let me play my own game!” Only laughing and cries of, “Oh! I found the secret vowel!!”
4. It’s 5:15. The market is closed. I have cleared out my email inbox (for the first time in about three weeks). The kitchen is clean, ready for dinner to be cooked. And I don’t even have to think about starting that for another 45 minutes.
I’m telling you. It’s the End of the World™. Any second now. The roof may fall in. Or something equally dire. Maybe Greenspan will suddenly walk up to a reporter and say, “Hey, just kidding about that whole ‘steady footing’ thing! Actually, the economy is tanking and we’re all doomed, BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!”
Because when there is anything even sorta close to peace in the Den of Chaos…bad things are sure to happen. I’m telling you, it’s the end of the…
Hang on, hang on…wait just a second here…Ah! There we go! Sounds like Eldest just gave Boo Bug a big old poke in the eye or something…there’s the “I’m TELLING!!”…and the cries of “Sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry don’t go tell! She’ll take away the games!”…and the pitter-patter of wee little three year old feet…and all that hollering has made Bacon Bit realize that something cool is probably going on down here so he’s hollering…
Whew. OK. So, the End is Not Quite Nigh.
But if I get this resolved without getting up from this chair…DOOM! DOOM, I tell you!!!!!!!!!
P. J. O'Rourke
1 day ago