Wednesday, April 09, 2008


I feel right now as though I am in a hurricane. Perhaps it is obvious from the lack of posting lately, but Things are going on behind the curtain here at the Den of Chaos. I am so far behind on email that I have half a mind to just delete them all and start over.

So what’s going on? Nothing really huge, I suppose. I mean, nobody’s getting married or divorced or having a new baby or anything like that.

Yet somehow…the Chaos has kicked itself up a notch. Not necessarily in ways that are obvious, but in subtle, irritating ways that really get into your underwear and itch.

The feeling of one thing too many has been growing, and to be honest I’ve been responding in large part by goofing off. I have a list of things I “should” be doing, and instead I’m doing “other things”.

Like sorting through our financial papers from 1996 to 2000, hauled forth from the tomb in the garage and dumped onto my bedroom floor. For the love of God, why right now, when I’m already complaining about not having enough hours in a day, and looking for things to cut out?!

I also spent a considerable chunk of time cruising the thrift stores this week. I’ve re-outfitted the whole family for $65, which is awesome. But did it have to be done right immediately now?

Uhhhhhhhh…I’m going to plead the Fifth on that…

The Big Project needs to be finished and handed off. But I’m having trouble letting go of it. I keep thinking of just one more thing I want to add to it. A different color here. A different graph there. Maybe this could be said better. Did I already say that? Shouldn’t I have something about…did I mention…hmm…

I feel like I’m twelve years old and having to turn in that big English essay again. Let Teacher see what you’ve written, honey… No! NO! IT ISN’T READY YET!!!

I have so many half-formed ideas and other projects in the pipeline and things waiting on other things, and bubbling puddles of resentment, anger, frustration…not a whole lot of positive feelings right now, frankly.

And over it all, a curious sensation of waiting. I’m in a hurry and running late – but I’m taking the train. It will arrive when it arrives, and not a moment before. No matter how hard I strain my brain trying to make it go faster.

It’s a big, sullen storm. It has a lot of weight behind it. It’s on the move. I’m not sure where it is going – or even if it has any intention of going anywhere in the first place. Sometimes, storms bring changes great or small. Most of the time, they just blow over. We talk about them for a few days and then they fade away, joining a thousand other storms just like them as a collective memory of ‘all those times it stormed around here’.

But in the meantime, this feeling of Impending Something Or Other is about to drive me insane.

If the children don’t do it first.


PipneyJane said...

I don't know how you do it, Tama, but yet again you're sharing the same set of emotions I'm having. (Last time, though, it was our gall bladders.)

It's one of those pressure cooker days (when you feel like you're inside one and everything is pressing down on you).


Kris said...

You have a way of describing things so perfectly. I have the frantic sense of too many things on my plate, but yet, all of it is a matter of hurry up and wait.

The next 15 months are a series of ridiculously small goals, none of which I have any control over. God I hate med school.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes. Yes, we live in the same strange world. What I want to know is, how do we get OUT?

Olga said...

Storms sometimes freeze yah to death or sweep everything away and your left with nuthin, like Katrina, heh
Well, things could always be worse, it could be raining.....(ducks and runs);o)

Science PhD Mom said...

It might just be a seasonal thing. Spring comes up and it's just this lull before the rush of summer and school holidays and visits and vacations and it's a good kind of busyness, but it's different. This is the odd in-between time. At least that's how I'm feeling lately.

MadMad said...

As usual, you describe things perfectly. That is exactly how it feels sometimes.

Amy Lane said...

ugh! I hate's like when I have 1/2 an hour of free time and I find myself wandering around the house because I have SO much I HAVE to do, I can't settle on what I WANT to do!