I feel right now as though I am in a hurricane. Perhaps it is obvious from the lack of posting lately, but Things are going on behind the curtain here at the Den of Chaos. I am so far behind on email that I have half a mind to just delete them all and start over.
So what’s going on? Nothing really huge, I suppose. I mean, nobody’s getting married or divorced or having a new baby or anything like that.
Yet somehow…the Chaos has kicked itself up a notch. Not necessarily in ways that are obvious, but in subtle, irritating ways that really get into your underwear and itch.
The feeling of one thing too many has been growing, and to be honest I’ve been responding in large part by goofing off. I have a list of things I “should” be doing, and instead I’m doing “other things”.
Like sorting through our financial papers from 1996 to 2000, hauled forth from the tomb in the garage and dumped onto my bedroom floor. For the love of God, why right now, when I’m already complaining about not having enough hours in a day, and looking for things to cut out?!
I also spent a considerable chunk of time cruising the thrift stores this week. I’ve re-outfitted the whole family for $65, which is awesome. But did it have to be done right immediately now?
Uhhhhhhhh…I’m going to plead the Fifth on that…
The Big Project needs to be finished and handed off. But I’m having trouble letting go of it. I keep thinking of just one more thing I want to add to it. A different color here. A different graph there. Maybe this could be said better. Did I already say that? Shouldn’t I have something about…did I mention…hmm…
I feel like I’m twelve years old and having to turn in that big English essay again. Let Teacher see what you’ve written, honey… No! NO! IT ISN’T READY YET!!!
I have so many half-formed ideas and other projects in the pipeline and things waiting on other things, and bubbling puddles of resentment, anger, frustration…not a whole lot of positive feelings right now, frankly.
And over it all, a curious sensation of waiting. I’m in a hurry and running late – but I’m taking the train. It will arrive when it arrives, and not a moment before. No matter how hard I strain my brain trying to make it go faster.
It’s a big, sullen storm. It has a lot of weight behind it. It’s on the move. I’m not sure where it is going – or even if it has any intention of going anywhere in the first place. Sometimes, storms bring changes great or small. Most of the time, they just blow over. We talk about them for a few days and then they fade away, joining a thousand other storms just like them as a collective memory of ‘all those times it stormed around here’.
But in the meantime, this feeling of Impending Something Or Other is about to drive me insane.
If the children don’t do it first.
13 hours ago