We are still working on our master bathroom; we can use the tub and we have sinks and (arguably most importantly) a toilet.
What we are still lacking is a functioning shower and…mirrors.
We are fresh out of ways to stare at ourselves, in our ‘master suite’.
So this morning I got up and put on clothes and brushed my hair and so forth without any kind of visual guide, as it were, to my actual appearance (this becomes important later).
Then I went downstairs and made coffee and we got started with the day and all that.
A few hours later (!!!), I got my first glimpse of myself in a mirror.
I looked like…I don’t know what I looked like. Some kind of…sub-human deranged lunatic who after about eleven years of no sleep (my bottom eyelids could be used as sleeping bags) had just escaped the mental ward by braiding an escape rope out of her hair (leaving a strange ragged lunatic fringe on the sides) digging a tunnel with her teeth (I don’t want to know what IT was between those bucky monsters down front), and then attempted to assimilate into society by tucking half her shirt into her pants while leaving the other half dangling out a-la some kind of hip-hop-rap-stah look.
My exclamation of shock and horror (“Oh my GAWD I look positively DEEEEE-RANGED!”) caught the attention of my husband, who glanced me up and down and then said, and I quote, “What?”
What? WHAT? What do you mean, “What”?!
Do you not see what is standing right in front of you?!
And then he says, matter-of-factly, “You look just like you always do – I don’t see what’s freaking you out.”
I…really don’t know how to take that. As much as I’d like to translate this to mean, You are so gorgeous that even when looking like a deranged escapee from a mental ward, you look great, I’m afraid it is probably more like, You have looked like a deranged escapee from a mental ward for so long, I have forgotten you could look any other way.
People, I need mirrors in my bathroom, and I need them yesterday - before somebody tries to put me back in the ward with my very own padded room.
C. E. Montague
1 day ago