IMMA JUST GONNA SAY IT (again): I hate shopping for clothes.
The only thing I hate more than clothes shopping in general is
shopping for dresses.
And the only thing worse than shopping for dresses in general is
shopping for a specific kind of dress.
Like, say, something to wear to a black-and-white “affair.”
…if somebody could just, like, stab me right now, that’d be
awesome. I mean, don’t kill me or anything, that’d be bad,
but, you know, just wound me badly enough that I can honestly say,
“Aww, gosh, I’m so sorry that I couldn’t attend le soiree, but
I am just completely laid up right now…”
I’m pretty sure it would be less painful than trying to shop for a new dress.
FIRST OF ALL…when exactly did “sleeves” become taboo? Seriously.
It is January, people. I am not going to go prancing around in
a sleeveless little confection with my goose-pimples playing
peekaboo with $DEITY and everybody.
I am one of those people who starts whining that it feels awfully cold in
here when the temperature drops below about 70 degrees, and escalates the
whining to a continual, high-pitched drone if it goes any lower than
YES, I AM A SPOILED-ROTTEN CALIFORNIA BABY. I AM CURRENTLY WEARING TWO
SHIRTS AND A SWEATER AND A VEST AND IT IS A ‘TOASTY’ 65
DEGREES AND EVERYBODY WHO LIVES ANYWHERE THAT HAS ACTUAL WINTER IS
LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT ME AND I DON’T CARE.
I’m cold, dammit.
If I weren’t also cheap, I would so have cranked up the
heater by now.
But I digress.
Sleeveless sheathes of floaty-chiffon = OUT.
SECONDLY, do you know what I do not need? A slit in my
dress extending all the way up to my darned crotch.
Nor do I feel any particular need to wear a dress whose entire
corset area is see-through. I mean, really now. Nobody wants to be
resting their eyeballs on my ever-so-alluring grandma-bras, people.
Oh, there’s a half-way
Look. It’s very simple: I just want something black and/or white that is pretty but not too
short, too revealing, too old-lady-ish, flattering to a body that hasn’t
completely given up all hope of being female, buuuuuuut also
admittedly has a bit of (ahem) mileage on it.
And isn’t, you know, boring.
Like maybe this. Only in black and white. Because, black and white event,
Or since it’s a kinda formal-ish thing, maybe this one. It’s
Hmm, maybe this is a little…much…
No, wait-wait-wait, this is much better…the collar makes
…no, I have NOT gotten sidetracked, I assure you I am LASER-FOCUSED right
OK, maybe a little sidetracked.
…somehow, stabbing myself to get out of going at all to this thing is starting to sound more and more
All The Shingle Ladies
1 day ago