Friday, July 13, 2012


(Fair Warning: This post is about stuff like endometrial polyps and alien snot monkeys. It is probably not appropriate for any audience. But I just can’t seem to stop myself. I appear to be dead-set on sharing this, even though it is a) gross and b) gross and also c ) gross. So if gross girl-stuff makes your toes curl up, this is probably a really good post to just skip.)

So I’ve been having all these Female Troubles lately. And they have been unpleasant and varying degrees of disgusting for, like, two months now. And then Tuesday – after a night of epic cramping that had me sketching out plans for a DIY hysterectomy (one bottle of Glenlivet and a kitchen knife oughta do ‘er…), well…

I’m pretty sure I gave birth to an alien snot monkey.

It was possibly the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen emerge from my body. It was fleshy and tissue-y and, well, it looked like something you’d pull out of a particularly ill-cleaned dead chicken. I mean, GROSS, people, GROSS.

Now, with all the mayhem that has been going on with me, you’d think I’d be relieved that something tangible had finally shown itself. Not looking at it and going, oh, GREAT, what’s THIS?

But I was. And also, I had no idea what it might be. I’d never seen anything like this. So I scooped the thing into a take-n-toss container, called the poor, unsuspecting OB/GYN who so unwisely didn’t tell me he already had too many patients and to go away when I called back in May, and very calmly told him that I had just given birth to a 6x2x2 centimeter Alien Snot Monkey, and asked if that sort of thing was, you know, expected given Everything Else that was going on…or if I should drop everything and rush in for an immediate hysterectomy (hope springeth eternal and all) (if you are sensing that I am ever so slightly sick and tired of my uterus right about now – yes, yes I am).

“Huh. Sounds like an endometrial polyp,” he said (Dunno what that is, I thought to myself, but it sure sounds booooooring!). “Do you still have it? We should definitely send it to pathology.” (Ooooooookay! And now, it sounds vaguely sinister!)

And thus it was that one lidded Gladware container was delivered to his office, to be forwarded on to Pathology.

Now, it turns out that these polyp-thingees are almost always benign and not all that sinister really. So we can drop that and move on to more important things, like discussing the relative merits of the terms ‘endometrial polyp’ and ‘alien snot monkey.’

It is this writer’s humble opinion that the term ‘endometrial polyp’ is boring-yet-ominous sounding, and should be replaced with the far more interesting moniker of ‘alien snot monkey.’

Not only is it more visually appealing (oh hush, it is too!), but it sounds far more exotic and exciting. Plus it would make an excellent name for a band – a far better band-name than endometrial polyps.

Imagine if you will that you are in a large stadium waiting for a concert to begin. Which of these sounds like a better show to you:

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Endometrial Polyps!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Alien Snot Monkeys!”

SEE? Alien Snot Monkey  is a totally better term, and I vote that in future whenever some crazy freaked out woman calls up her gynecologist clutching a take-n-toss container full of something that looks like it was picked up off the slaughterhouse floor, s/he should immediately tell her that it sounds like an Alien Snot Monkey  and that pathology would love to take a look at it.

Because also, telling somebody that they should send their endometrial polyp to pathology sounds far more serious than it actually is…whereas I very much doubt anybody could manage to work up an ounce of concern over sending an Alien Snot Monkey to pathology.

Disagree with me. I dare you.


Jane said...

I hope you feel better!

Anonymous said...

I love your sense of humor. Alien Snot Monkeys indeed!
Nancy FP in Ferndale

Tola said...

all the interesting stuff happens to you!

CeltChick said...

I work for the pathologists, and am forwarding this post to the lab for consideration of this change to our terminology. Thanks for the suggestion.

Colleen Mole said...

Bwahahahahahaha! (tears running down my cheeks...) Should we start knitting baby booties for your Alien Snot Monkey! Cause I'm sure the pahologists would appreciate a well-dressed alien snot monkey :)

Beth said...

As a veteran of my own Alien Snot Monkey issues, I totally agree with you. MUCH better than "polyp". Although I never gifted my OBGYN with one in a lunch container.

I hope you feel better soon, and if you don't, definitely keep up the pressure on the hysterectomy decision. Took me five years and a messy ER visit to convince my Doc.

Monday's Child said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monday's Child said...

Oh ick. No, not ick that you posted about it, just ick that you had to go through it.

I'm looking into endometrial ablation, myself. I don't know if it would help with your situation or not (I've just started the research) but it sure sounds awesome to me. The female body's breeding functions are... no longer welcome in my home tyvm.

julie said...

Alien Snot Monkeys. Yes. I know them, too. This middle-aged business sucks doesn't it?

By the way, I lurk, I read, I rarely comment but I love your blog with a scary, stalker-like love. Don't. Ever. Stop. Writing.


Rena said...

Coooooooool! Did you take a photo? You could post it to a UFO website as a "real" alien embryo. I wonder if that's how all alien embryos began. lol.

Sorry. Couldn't resist. I am related after all. ;-)

But seriously, get those doctors to do something already! Geesh! Alien Snot Monsters are ridiculous.

Steph B said...

Oh my word. Hope they get these issues taken care of, and soon! Monday's Child has an excellent idea - endometrial ablation is a wonderful thing. Couple hours out of your day, a day being lazy, and you're back on track - but no more nasties from Down There. It's wonderful. Check it out!

Moira said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this, but yes look into the endometrial ablation. They may be more willing to do that then a full hysterectomy.